Notes From a Relationship Coach(Big ideas in a small email) “Love alone is never enough to sustain a relationship.” –Mira Kirshenbaum, Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay Kind of embarrassing to admit, but I can love damn near anyone. Weird flex, I know. I suspect it has something to do with the unyielding rejection and alienation from the people I most wanted to love me during my formative years. Whatever natural human instinct says “I want you to like me” is just a beat dog, cowering in the...
10 days ago • 1 min read
Notes From a Relationship Coach(Big ideas in a small email) “Don’t let anyone talk to you like you don’t know what you went through.” –Buddy Wakefield, Stunt Water I love this quote. Sometimes, however, we may not even realize what we went through or exactly how awful it was, simply because survival was the only option. I was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes at 8 years old. Overnight, I went from “Yay, childhood!” to “My body doesn’t automatically stay alive anymore.” For those of you who don’t...
17 days ago • 2 min read
Notes From a Relationship Coach(Big ideas in a small email) “It is the small everyday gestures that make or break a relationship.” –John Gottman, The Relationship Cure Perhaps the most well-known relationship researcher, John Gottman has studied human connection scientifically for 50+ years (creating the “Love Lab” in 1986 at the University of Washington). Bro’s research became famous when he could predict divorce with 94% accuracy from the way couples talked about their relationship. Yikes....
24 days ago • 1 min read
Notes From a Relationship Coach(Big ideas in a small email) “When someone really hears you… it feels damn good.” –Carl Rogers, On Becoming a Person A client asked me about dating a rich guy who wanted to fly her places for dates that involved yachts, horses, champaign, and the like. Very exciting stuff, obviously… but how do you cut through all that noise to suss out a serial killer, narcissist, or dullard? I told her to get that sucker on a park bench for an hour or two – far away from his...
about 1 month ago • 1 min read
Notes From a Relationship Coach(Big ideas in a small email) “Observing without evaluating is the highest form of human intelligence.” –J. Krishnamurti NVC fanboy here, ever-stoked to drop Rosenberg wisdom. If I could only recommend ONE book for the rest of my life, it would be Nonviolent Communication. Matter fact, I’m gonna share a whole excerpt now: Our attention is focused on classifying, analyzing, and determining levels of wrongness rather than on what we and others need and are not...
about 1 month ago • 1 min read
Notes From a Relationship Coach(Big ideas in a small email) “Safety is not just the absence of threat but the presence of connection.” –Stephen Porges, The Polyvagal Theory Have you ever felt like “I don't wanna lie but I don’t feel safe telling you the truth”? Or “I’d like to have sex but I can’t when I don’t feel connected to you”? Safe, seen, soothed, and secure – these core attachment needs form the foundation of sustainable human connection. But if secure attachment is prerequisite to...
about 2 months ago • 1 min read
Notes From a Relationship Coach(Big ideas in a small email) “Fitting in is about assessing a situation and becoming who you need to be in order to be accepted. Belonging, on the other hand, doesn't require us to change who we are; it requires us to be who we are.” –Brené Brown, Daring Greatly A client recently asked me maybe the best question ever??? What’s the difference between working on a relationship and trying to make a relationship work? Shwooooo… 😮💨 Let that sizzle in the pan for a...
about 2 months ago • 1 min read
Notes From a Relationship Coach(Big ideas in a small email) “Trauma is not yours.” –Frank Anderson, To Be Loved I was on a call with Frankie Baby the other day (who casually mentioned having Bessel van der Kolk and Esther Perel over for dinner recently, lol) when he dropped the above line. I’ve been saying “You are not your trauma response” and talking about “carried shame” for years, but this simple reframe takes it to the next level. Trauma did not come from you, is not your fault, is...
2 months ago • 1 min read
Notes From a Relationship Coach(Big ideas in a small email) “Once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.” –Margery Williams, The Velveteen Rabbit Someone read me this children’s book when I was a wee lad, and I’m guessing there was no way to truly appreciate its wisdom at the time. But I’m glad the seed was planted. Four decades later, I’m still figuring out how to be real. It’s not that being authentic is inherently difficult, but fear often says being oneself...
3 months ago • 1 min read