Notes From a Relationship Coach(Big ideas in a small email) Your partner is simply the “excuse or occasion for meeting the self.” –David Foster Wallace, Infinite Jest In this novel, DFW is actually talking about a tennis opponent. But the line was practically begging to be co-opted for my newsletter. It’s relatively easy to “manage” relationships with strangers, friends, family, coworkers, and people you see in particular contexts (long-distance relationships can fit into that category). You...
9 days ago • 1 min read
Notes From a Relationship Coach(Big ideas in a small email) “Without our caretakers’ protection, our only protection is to stay small and build defensive structures into our personality.” –Jasmin Lee Cori, The Emotionally Absent Mother If you didn’t feel safe, seen, soothed, and secure as a kid, there’s a strong chance you needed to adapt – perhaps some version of “staying small,” flying below the radar, not wanting or needing anything, etc. There are innumerable defensive structures we may...
16 days ago • 1 min read
Notes From a Relationship Coach(Big ideas in a small email) “The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body, and although we can repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated, our perceptions confused, and our body tricked with medication. But some day the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop...
23 days ago • 1 min read
Notes From a Relationship Coach(Big ideas in a small email) “The reversal of roles between child or adolescent and parent, unless very temporary, is almost always not only a sign of pathology in the parent but a cause of it in the child.” –John Bowlby, Attachment That’s the most quoted line on “parentification” from the father of attachment theory himself. Put simply, this role-reversal occurs when a child senses that her caretakers are unable to fulfill a duty (physically, mentally,...
about 1 month ago • 1 min read
Notes From a Relationship Coach(Big ideas in a small email) “Every healthy relationship starts with two people who have healthy relationships with themselves. Any toxic relationship is the result of at least one person’s toxic relationship with themselves.” –Mark Manson I don’t love labeling people, relationships, or behaviors “toxic.” But to avoid discourse on emotional McCarthyism, I thumbed through a dictionary and read “very harmful or unpleasant in a pervasive or insidious way.” And if...
about 1 month ago • 1 min read
Notes From a Relationship Coach(Big ideas in a small email) “Love should increase over time, not start at a high.” –Lisa Clampitt (quoted in Marry Him by Lori Gottlieb) Who doesn’t love a good romp in the euphoric bliss of new romance? I certainly don’t think it’s “bad” to cherish the magical moments of exchanging what you love most about yourselves in the early days of a relationship. But I’m thinking it’s only possible to manufacture the exaggerated swooning of fairytale love when we don’t...
about 1 month ago • 1 min read
Notes From a Relationship Coach(Big ideas in a small email) “When the time slows, notice where your mind goes. Focus on the eye where the lotus of the mind grows. Here, you will find holes in the blindfolds of your well-defined roles… go behind those.” –Adam Enough, What You Seek In my formative years, seeking connection too often resulted in pain and humiliation, and seeking protection was equally awful and traumatic. So it makes sense why I’ve had big NO THANKS energy all my life. My...
about 2 months ago • 1 min read
Notes From a Relationship Coach(Big ideas in a small email) “We are all adults with the emotional wiring of the child we once were.” –Alain de Botton, The Course of Love I recently had a client ask, “Why do I feel this tall when someone does that to me?” Are you aware of triggering experiences in your life that make you feel like a child? Small, weak, voiceless, powerless, helpless, terrified, overwhelmed, etc? That’s a very real, young part of you still trying to survive a world that no...
about 2 months ago • 1 min read
Notes From a Relationship Coach(Big ideas in a small email) “Connection is why we’re here; it is what gives purpose and meaning to our lives.” –Brené Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection Everybody wants love and connection. Humans are literally built for it. But healthy, sustainable love dangles like a carrot on the other side of our wounds. And if we want that yummy carrot, there’s no way around this healing thing. That’s why I was a “relationship coach” for like five minutes before I had to...
2 months ago • 1 min read