Notes From a Relationship Coach(Big ideas in a small email) “With a false self, intimacy is impossible.” –John Bradshaw, Healing the Shame That Binds You There is a certain, finite amount of what I have and what I am able to give to a relationship. I cannot give something I do not have, nor can I give MORE than what I have to give – more time, energy, money, attention, effort, whatever. We have actual limits. And it may be that someone is looking for something DIFFERENT or MORE than who I am...

Notes From a Relationship Coach(Big ideas in a small email) Your partner is simply the “excuse or occasion for meeting the self.” –David Foster Wallace, Infinite Jest In this novel, DFW is actually talking about a tennis opponent. But the line was practically begging to be co-opted for my newsletter. It’s relatively easy to “manage” relationships with strangers, friends, family, coworkers, and people you see in particular contexts (long-distance relationships can fit into that category). You...

Notes From a Relationship Coach(Big ideas in a small email) “Without our caretakers’ protection, our only protection is to stay small and build defensive structures into our personality.” –Jasmin Lee Cori, The Emotionally Absent Mother If you didn’t feel safe, seen, soothed, and secure as a kid, there’s a strong chance you needed to adapt – perhaps some version of “staying small,” flying below the radar, not wanting or needing anything, etc. There are innumerable defensive structures we may...