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Adam Murauskas

Stop Falling for Good Date Bait 🥸

Published 23 days ago • 1 min read

Notes From a Relationship Coach
​(Big ideas in a small email)

“Sometimes, when we seek the gaze of another, it isn’t our partner we are turning away from, but the person we have become. We are not looking for another lover so much as another version of ourselves.”

–Esther Perel, The State of Affairs​

Esther is talking about infidelity here, but the principle applies broadly and is relevant to dating…

A new relationship offers a blank canvas where you can paint a fresh, new, flattering, hopeful version of the person you WANT to show up as. You can selectively get to know each other, revealing stuff about yourself that, even if true, nonetheless assembles who you want them to see like a live-action, relational Mr. Potato Head.

What features do you wear? Which do you keep hidden inside your potato?

Identity isn’t necessarily intrinsic, objective, or static. Self-concept often depends on how others perceive us (why social media gives you access to an alternate you).

And how wonderful that we can audition a different “me” anytime we want? What a privilege.

HOWEVER… this is why dating can be so misleading (long-distance and digital dating even more so). It’s why slow, intentional, in-person courtship will always be the gold-standard for not marrying an ax-murderer. Truly getting to know someone’s whole potato inside and out actually takes a remarkable amount of time and presence.

If you are completely mystified by how you ended up with your exes, you might be moving too fast, dazzled by clever spud decor.

Pump the brakes. Have a look around.

•Fix Your Picker Workbook
​•The Inherent Pitfalls of Dating
​•How to Avoid Falling in Love with a Jerk​

Rooting for you,

*This email contains Amazon affiliate links to the books mentioned.

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Adam Murauskas

Relationship Coach at FixYourPicker.com

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