Notes From a Relationship Coach
​(Big ideas in a small email)

“Trauma is a response to anything that's overwhelming that happens too much, too fast, too soon, or too long, coupled with a lack of protection or support.”

–Resmaa Menakem, My Grandmother’s Hands​

What a great definition of trauma! I’d like to reiterate that trauma is not the event but how you change in response to it. Also of note, the same event could be non-traumatic given the right protection or support.

With this understanding, you’d be hard-pressed to find anyone who DOESN’T have any trauma-responses wired into their system. And what are these compulsive, maladaptive coping strategies, you may be asking?

Well… anxious, avoidant, and disorganized attachment patterns for starters. But also perfectionism, codependency, intellectualizing, shrinking, over-functioning, controlling, people-pleasing, hyper-independence, workaholism / busyness, substance and process addictions, various flavors of numbing, escape, performance, or distraction. The list goes on.

And these behaviors constitute the proverbial turd in the punchbowl of your relationships.

If you believe anxious attachment is your problem or that your partner’s avoidant tendencies are the real problem, we are not in agreement. Those aren’t “problems” – they’re solutions. And trying to eliminate the only solution you have to a problem buried so deep you can’t even see it is remarkably un-strategic and ineffective.

Here are some questions to consider:

1. What do you do to avoid painful feelings?
2. What specific feelings most terrify you?
3. When did they get burned into your nervous system?
4. How will you go THERE and heal that trauma?

Obviously, you’re free to come up with your own answers to these questions. But if you haven’t the foggiest of notions and want a hint… look into Internal Family Systems therapy. It answers the SH!T out of those four questions. Specifically.

I hope y’all can appreciate how awesome this newsletter is. I’m not even trynna sell stuff. Just handing you GEMS, week after week. If there’s a heaven, I’m going.

Better belieeeeve that.

P.S. I double-dog-dare you to actually write out the answers to those questions. Unless of course NOT doing healing work is your answer to question #1.

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