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Adam Murauskas

Love Is The Goal, Trauma Is The Gatekeeper ⚽️

Published 20 days ago • 1 min read

Notes From a Relationship Coach
​(Big ideas in a small email)

“Connection is why we’re here; it is what gives purpose and meaning to our lives.”

–Brené Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection​

Everybody wants love and connection. Humans are literally built for it. But healthy, sustainable love dangles like a carrot on the other side of our wounds. And if we want that yummy carrot, there’s no way around this healing thing.

That’s why I was a “relationship coach” for like five minutes before I had to become a trauma therapist. Anyone doling out non-trauma-informed relationship advice is cute for trying, and they deserve a nice participation trophy… but they might be selling you wishful thinking, lollipops, and emotional bypassing.

And to be fair, maybe those things worked out just splendidly for them, but you may have different goals or a lower tolerance for inauthentic living. Maybe you’ve already had plenty of “good on paper” relationships that still felt hollow, disconnected, or performative.

If love and connection are the goal (and they are), then trauma is the gatekeeper.

The work isn’t “How do I become more secure?” It’s “What happened that made my insecurity necessary in the first place?” And are you willing to go there and address it directly?

Because the carrot isn’t on the other side of better communication tips; it’s on the other side of the thing practically no one actually wants to do.

Heal.

P.S. I explore this idea more in Dating Your Shadow to Become Whole.

P.P.S. Also reminds me of a @fixyourpicker meme I made in 2020.

*This email contains Amazon affiliate links to the books mentioned.

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Adam Murauskas

Relationship Coach at FixYourPicker.com

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