Notes From a Relationship Coach(Big ideas in a small email) “All real living is meeting.” –Martin Buber, I and Thou Intimacy is rooted in authenticity and freedom – two people willingly giving of themselves from mutual desire and genuine interest. The moment we begin to act from obligation, fear, shame, or ulterior motives, connection turns into performance. And something magical is lost. But wait… I’m doing the same things I was doing when we fell in love. Isn’t this the formula? No. There...
7 days ago • 1 min read
Notes From a Relationship Coach(Big ideas in a small email) “Don’t pay for anyone to be where you wish they were.” –Adam Murauskas This started as advice to someone who was overspending on flights and trips in order to be with someone who couldn’t afford that lifestyle (and it wasn’t really working out for anyone involved). But I quickly saw the deeper truth beyond finance: If you are chronically accommodating, suffering in silence, walking on eggshells, bending over backwards, going wantless...
14 days ago • 1 min read
Notes From a Relationship Coach(Big ideas in a small email) “When marriages fail, it is not increasing conflict that is the cause. It is decreasing affection and emotional responsiveness.” –Sue Johnson, Hold Me Tight The whole ass point of an intimate partnership is satisfying the innate need for safe, reliable, emotional connection and comfort. It’s easy to get caught up in finances, parenting, time-management, various grievances, fears, and differences. Then maybe play “Who’s Right?” (a...
21 days ago • 1 min read
Notes From a Relationship Coach(Big ideas in a small email) “Maturity comes when we tend to our inner children and don’t inflict them on our partners to care for.” –Terry Real, Us Internal Family Systems therapy provides, in my opinion, the most brilliant, concise, and non-pathologizing description of how the human psyche is organized as multiple, not one singular mind. “Part of me wants to go out tonight, but another part of me just wants to stay home.” You may have a focused worker bee, a...
28 days ago • 1 min read
Notes From a Relationship Coach(Big ideas in a small email) “Connection is the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued.” –Brené Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection I remember my brother jokingly asking if I was wearing a clip-on tie at my wedding. I’d been wearing ties five days a week for a decade, and frankly, my tie collection was the stuff of legend. So it wasn’t the “forty-year-old man giving me a noogie” energy that rubbed me wrong but feeling so abruptly...
about 1 month ago • 1 min read
Notes From a Relationship Coach(Big ideas in a small email) “You can become your own healer – the special person your vulnerable parts have been waiting for. When that happens, your partner will be released from the redeemer trap.” –Dick Schwartz, You Are The One You’ve Been Waiting For I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how childhood abandonment experiences translate directly to our romantic attachment blueprint. Specifically, what it’s like to feel chronically unseen, unheard, unvalued,...
about 1 month ago • 1 min read
Notes From a Relationship Coach(Big ideas in a small email) “Problems are not the problem: coping is the problem.” –Virginia Satir, Satir Step by Step Most people have deeply ingrained strategies for managing discomfort – perfectionism, codependency, busyness, addiction, over-functioning, isolating, intellectualizing, micromanaging, etc. It’s not “bad” or “wrong” that we do these things, but I believe we live with less freedom, presence, and intentionality when we are oblivious to what is...
about 2 months ago • 1 min read
Notes From a Relationship Coach(Big ideas in a small email) “Rescuing or caretaking is not an act of love.” –Melody Beattie, Codependent No More One of my very best friends (I literally cry when I think about how much I love this man) got injured and lost his job recently. His wife texted me the news and added “He could really use you right now.” I was like, “Say no more, I’m looking at flights.” Not gonna lie, I started thinking of all the ways I could help and therapy and coach and advise....
about 2 months ago • 1 min read
Notes From a Relationship Coach(Big ideas in a small email) “Love alone is never enough to sustain a relationship.” –Mira Kirshenbaum, Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay Kind of embarrassing to admit, but I can love damn near anyone. Weird flex, I know. I suspect it has something to do with the unyielding rejection and alienation from the people I most wanted to love me during my formative years. Whatever natural human instinct says “I want you to like me” is just a beat dog, cowering in the...
2 months ago • 1 min read