Adam Murauskas

What You Seek Is Seeking You 🔮

Notes From a Relationship Coach(Big ideas in a small email) “When the time slows, notice where your mind goes. Focus on the eye where the lotus of the mind grows. Here, you will find holes in the blindfolds of your well-defined roles… go behind those.” –Adam Enough, What You Seek In my formative years, seeking connection too often resulted in pain and humiliation, and seeking protection was equally awful and traumatic. So it makes sense why I’ve had big NO THANKS energy all my life. My...

5 days ago • 1 min read

Cover of Alain de Botton's book The Course of Love

Why Some Moments Make Us Feel Very Small 🐣

Notes From a Relationship Coach(Big ideas in a small email) “We are all adults with the emotional wiring of the child we once were.” –Alain de Botton, The Course of Love I recently had a client ask, “Why do I feel this tall when someone does that to me?” Are you aware of triggering experiences in your life that make you feel like a child? Small, weak, voiceless, powerless, helpless, terrified, overwhelmed, etc? That’s a very real, young part of you still trying to survive a world that no...

12 days ago • 1 min read

Cover of Brené Brown's book The Gifts of Imperfection

Love Is The Goal, Trauma Is The Gatekeeper ⚽️

Notes From a Relationship Coach(Big ideas in a small email) “Connection is why we’re here; it is what gives purpose and meaning to our lives.” –Brené Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection Everybody wants love and connection. Humans are literally built for it. But healthy, sustainable love dangles like a carrot on the other side of our wounds. And if we want that yummy carrot, there’s no way around this healing thing. That’s why I was a “relationship coach” for like five minutes before I had to...

19 days ago • 1 min read

Cover of Resmaa Menakem's book My Grandmother's Hands

Hot Dang, This One's Good! 😮‍💨

Notes From a Relationship Coach(Big ideas in a small email) “Trauma is a response to anything that's overwhelming that happens too much, too fast, too soon, or too long, coupled with a lack of protection or support.” –Resmaa Menakem, My Grandmother’s Hands What a great definition of trauma! I’d like to reiterate that trauma is not the event but how you change in response to it. Also of note, the same event could be non-traumatic given the right protection or support. With this understanding,...

26 days ago • 1 min read

Selfie on a mountain overlooking a rainbow

You Are The Light, Not The Scattering Roaches 💡

Notes From a Relationship Coach(Big ideas in a small email) “You are the light, not the scattering roaches.” –Me talking to a client 😅 As kids, many of us learn that being who we are is NOT OK. How we look, act, talk, feel, express ourselves – all of it seems to disappoint, annoy, frustrate, or upset the people we want (need) to love us. So we learn how to “behave.” How to be “good.” How to “act right.” How to be likable, lovable, acceptable, or whatever-able (just threw up in my mouth a...

about 1 month ago • 1 min read

Cover of Jonice Webb's book Running On Empty

What Are YOUR Relationship-Crushing Emotional Coping Mechanisms? 🌪

Notes From a Relationship Coach(Big ideas in a small email) “Traumatic emotional neglect occurs when a child does not have a single caretaker to whom she can turn in times of need or danger.” –Pete Walker, Complex PTSD I ask my clients, “As a kid, who did you talk to when you were upset?” A majority of them report crying it out alone, self-soothing, being punished for having feelings, or some version of having no one. Trauma isn’t simply a painful experience – it’s the overwhelming sense of...

about 2 months ago • 1 min read

Connect with Yourself or Nobody – You Pick 🫵🏼

Notes From a Relationship Coach(Big ideas in a small email) “As soon as you trust yourself, you will know how to live.” –Goethe As social creatures, humans naturally devote considerable time, energy, and focus to what OTHERS expect from us. This is especially true during our formative years and even more so for those also navigating relational trauma. Hypervigilance, walking on eggshells, codependency, people-pleasing, anxious attachment, even perfectionism (and so much more) are all ways to...

about 2 months ago • 1 min read

Cover of Marshall Rosenberg's book Nonviolent Communication

The ONE THING That'll Ruin Every Relationship 🪦

Notes From a Relationship Coach(Big ideas in a small email) “Relationships are emotional bonds. They’re about the innate need for safe emotional connection.” –Sue Johnson, Hold Me Tight Let’s say you’re in a relationship that checks all the boxes – friendship, attraction, sex, adventure, compatibility, finances, values, etc. Maybe you’ve built a big, beautiful, abundant life together and you shoouulld be happy and grateful and have nothing to complain about. HOWEVER… if you don’t have safe...

2 months ago • 1 min read

Cover of Esther Perel's book The State of Affairs

Stop Falling for Good Date Bait 🥸

Notes From a Relationship Coach(Big ideas in a small email) “Sometimes, when we seek the gaze of another, it isn’t our partner we are turning away from, but the person we have become. We are not looking for another lover so much as another version of ourselves.” –Esther Perel, The State of Affairs Esther is talking about infidelity here, but the principle applies broadly and is relevant to dating… A new relationship offers a blank canvas where you can paint a fresh, new, flattering, hopeful...

2 months ago • 1 min read

Cover of Liz Gilbert's book All The Way To The River

The Gnarliest Definition of Codependency... 🤢

Notes From a Relationship Coach(Big ideas in a small email) “Codependency makes you into an unhealed wound looking for someone to land on.” –Elizabeth Gilbert, All The Way To The River Yikes on bikes! That line is so brutal but also, unfortunately, so very accurate. Approximately 17 people recommended I read this book as soon as it came out. Then someone literally bought it for me. I feel seen… and slightly accosted. I’ve always loved Lizzie G, but she came out on an Oprah thing waving her...

3 months ago • 1 min read