Notes From a Relationship Coach
​(Big ideas in a small email)

“Maturity comes when we tend to our inner children and don’t inflict them on our partners to care for.”

–Terry Real, Us​

Internal Family Systems therapy provides, in my opinion, the most brilliant, concise, and non-pathologizing description of how the human psyche is organized as multiple, not one singular mind.

“Part of me wants to go out tonight, but another part of me just wants to stay home.”

You may have a focused worker bee, a social butterfly, and a total couch potato living inside you (taking turns at the wheel). We’re all born with a buncha inner personalities that are naturally wonderful. But as we encounter painful experiences in life (abandonment, abuse, shame, betrayal), some of our free-wheeling inner children take up heavy burdens – extreme beliefs and emotions – which separate them into the following roles:

• Exiles carry our hurt but stay locked in the basement of the subconscious.
• Managers avoid feeling that exiled hurt again with preventative strategies.
• Firefighters swoop in to take the pain away when we do get hurt (coping).

When most people use the word “ego,” what they’re describing is a collection of parts (usually managers) that seem to run their life. But once you learn to identify and separate these roles from who you actually are, a core Self emerges, characterized by 8C’s and 5P’s:

Curiosity, Compassion, Calm, Clarity
Courage, Confidence, Creativity, Connectedness
Presence, Perspective, Patience, Persistence, Playfulness

EVERYONE has such a Self deep inside, although it is often obscured by all our wounded and protective parts. Today’s quote describes relating from this authentic Self who is the nurturing parent our inner children were tragically hoping a romantic partner would be.

The more you and your partner are able to operate from Self, the healthier and more sustainable your relationship will be. As long as you both are living in your wounded and adaptive parts, you will always be struggling to “make it work.”

The end.

P.S. For more on IFS, scoop No Bad Parts.

*This email contains Amazon affiliate links to the books mentioned.

If an amazing friend forwarded you this email, you can subscribe here.
If YOU are an amazing friend, go on and forward this thang.

​​​​​