Notes From a Relationship Coach
​(Big ideas in a small email)

“Don’t pay for anyone to be where you wish they were.”

–Adam Murauskas

This started as advice to someone who was overspending on flights and trips in order to be with someone who couldn’t afford that lifestyle (and it wasn’t really working out for anyone involved). But I quickly saw the deeper truth beyond finance:

If you are chronically accommodating, suffering in silence, walking on eggshells, bending over backwards, going wantless and needless, “keeping the peace,” self-sacrificing, or tolerating poor behavior… you are PAYING for that connection.

Whether you pay with debit, credit, time, pain, unmet needs, or cortisol… that transaction will leave you in the red every time.

If you have to artificially prop a relationship up with some form of payment in order to make it work, it’s only a matter of time before the price goes up or the card declines.

And this doesn’t necessarily mean “you’re dating toxic people.” Nawww… it’s just not a good match!

Imagine a bird and a fish get married. The bird floats on the surface of the water so they can be together. After a few years, the fish says, “I love you and I love our life together.” The bird replies, “I love you too,” then quietly thinks… but WTF am I doing in the water???

I remember commenting “Well, relationships ARE sacrifice, aren’t they?” To which my therapist swiftly replied, “No. Who told you that? Relationships are collaboration.”

Mmmmm.

You know how they say, “Do what you love and you’ll never work another day in your life”? Well, I say find a partner who doesn’t cost so much and you’ll never have to “make it work” another day in your life.

If the price of connection is too steep, it’s not a good match.

P.S. A very sincere thank you to all who donated to the “keep the newsletter free” foundation last week. I enjoyed reading your notes and seeing your smiling faces. You are the wind beneath my wings.

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