Notes From a Relationship Coach
​(Big ideas in a small email)

“Rescuing or caretaking is not an act of love.”

–Melody Beattie, Codependent No More​

One of my very best friends (I literally cry when I think about how much I love this man) got injured and lost his job recently. His wife texted me the news and added “He could really use you right now.” I was like, “Say no more, I’m looking at flights.”

Not gonna lie, I started thinking of all the ways I could help and therapy and coach and advise. I thought, “I don’t have any mouths to feed, I can just give them a buncha money.”

But when I arrived, I remembered that he is one of the most resilient and capable human beings I know. And he didn’t need someone to medevac him out of his life. He just needed a friend to BE WITH HIM in the middle of it. To be reminded that he’s ok and loved no matter what.

People don’t wanna be saved, they wanna be seen.

“Caretaking,” as Melody Beattie uses it, is compulsive helping, fixing, saving, enabling, or over-functioning that may relieve the helper’s anxiety but diminishes the other person’s agency.

Caring says, “I see you. I love you. I’m available. How can I support you without unnecessarily inserting myself into your life and robbing you of any power or opportunities?”

Caretaking says, “I can’t tolerate your discomfort, your consequences, your process, or my own anxiety, so I’m gonna manage this for you.” It’s actually kinda selfish and potentially shaming, alienating, or crippling.

I suspect parenting is theeee most difficult place to make this distinction. But that’s a whole nother email I’m not prepared to write, haha.

…

•Who are the people you care about the most?
•Can you tell when you’re caring vs caretaking with them?
•What might you do differently in those relationships?

With Love,

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