Notes From a Relationship Coach
(Big ideas in a small email)

“You can become your own healer – the special person your vulnerable parts have been waiting for. When that happens, your partner will be released from the redeemer trap.”

–Dick Schwartz, You Are The One You’ve Been Waiting For

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how childhood abandonment experiences translate directly to our romantic attachment blueprint. Specifically, what it’s like to feel chronically unseen, unheard, unvalued, unconsidered, minimized, gaslit, or dismissed throughout your formative years. And then…

What does someone like that need in order to feel safe, secure, valued, and loved in a relationship?

There are certainly reasonable standards to expect from a primary attachment figure / significant other. But at what point does a highly sensitized or traumatized nervous system present an unspoken emotional ultimatum to potential partners?

Like, if I don’t get XYZ from my partner, I’ll become dysregulated and use any number of strategies to put out the fire – protest behavior, pursue, withdraw, enmesh, fawn, self-medicate, argue, lie, cheat, manipulate, etc. Then call it a “toxic” relationship, say we’re not a good match, or straight up blame my partner.

Now, I suspect such a person can:

Scour the earth looking for someone who just so happens to love doing XYZ all the time. Or…
Ask yourself why you got a XYZ shaped hole in your nervous system?

Yes, “fix your picker” means carefully attending to who you let into your life. It also means carefully attending to the life you are inviting people to join. Both are necessary. So even if you feel good about who you pick(ed), you miiiiiiight still have an inside job to do. These can help:

•Childhood Inventory
•Self-Soothing Toolkit
•Requirements for Human Maturation
•Requirements for Secure Attachment
•Personalized Coaching