Notes From a Relationship Coach
​(Big ideas in a small email)

“Problems are not the problem: coping is the problem.”

–Virginia Satir, Satir Step by Step​

Most people have deeply ingrained strategies for managing discomfort – perfectionism, codependency, busyness, addiction, over-functioning, isolating, intellectualizing, micromanaging, etc. It’s not “bad” or “wrong” that we do these things, but I believe we live with less freedom, presence, and intentionality when we are oblivious to what is driving these behaviors (which affect the hell out of our relationships).

And it’s so common (arguably a core human experience) that people really do identify with these coping patterns. It’s also very much part of modern culture to label and diagnose these things as immutable traits.

Addiction is a “disease.”
I “am” a workaholic.
I “have” ADD.

None of this language invites us to explore developmental, intergenerational, or cultural trauma. The way we substitute diagnoses for understanding is a very open-and-shut-case way to avoid exploring the places that scare us (likely a whole ass societal coping mechanism that reflects our collective fear of actually healing).

Physician Gabor Maté wrote the following books:

​Scattered Minds – how ADD is not a “disease”
​In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts – how addiction is not a “disease”
​When the Body Says No – how all “disease” is more than meets the eye

Now… I’m not suggesting “It’s all in your head” or that more information will cure you. Ewe. That’s not it.

You have a very real physiology and neurochemistry that’s an integral part of how you show up in the world. For sure. AND… your mind and body are not separate. Mind, body, stress, nature, nurture, trauma, emotions, habits, relationships – ALL deeply connected and interrelated.

You don’t have to know anything about how a car works… until it stops working. Then you might have to (against your wishes) find out the relationship between fuse, cooling fan, radiator, thermostat, and head gasket.

If your relationships are working just fine, have a nice day.

If they’re not… pop the hood.

P.S. Could transforming your entire life start with a free 30-minute consultation? Only one way to find out. Reply “YES” and I’ll get you on the calendar.

*This email contains Amazon affiliate links to the books mentioned.

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