Adam Murauskas

Couple having a tense discussion at a table (Photo by Vitaly Gariev on Unsplash)

How to Turn a Misunderstanding Into a Breakup 🧨

Notes From a Relationship Coach(Big ideas in a small email) “Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field. I will meet you there.” –Rumi, The Essential Rumi You ever have a partner say or do something offensive they were apparently oblivious to? Have you ever accidentally hurt someone’s feelings or put your foot in your mouth? Happens to the best of us. But what usually ensues? For some reason, most relational missteps, conflicts, and disagreements result in a rousing game...

about 11 hours ago • 1 min read

Cover of James Baldwin's book The Fire Next Time

You Thought You Knew Them – Here's What Happened 🎭

Notes From a Relationship Coach(Big ideas in a small email) “Love takes off the masks that we fear we cannot live without and know we cannot live within.” –James Baldwin, The Fire Next Time Have you ever thought you really knew and loved somebody, then one day discovered they kinda suck? You may have assumed that how they showed up in one particular set of circumstances is how they would always be. And that’s not true at all. When we get to know someone, there is always a certain context –...

14 days ago • 1 min read

Cover of the most important book in the world, Nonviolent Communication

Relationships: The Leading Edge of Personal Development 📈

Notes From a Relationship Coach(Big ideas in a small email) “It is my belief that all such analyses [judgments] of other human beings are tragic expressions of our own values and needs.” –Marshall Rosenberg, Nonviolent Communication You don’t reaaally have to grow or learn a damn thing when you’re single. There’s no friction; no occasion to meet yourself in the mirror of another; no immediate comparison or frame of reference. Single, you’re exactly how you are, and that’s fine. Yay. In...

21 days ago • 1 min read

Cover of Pia Mellody's book Facing Codependence

"It's not that bad" Is How It Gets That Bad 🚩

Notes From a Relationship Coach(Big ideas in a small email) “Anything less than nurturing.” –Pia Mellody’s definition of childhood abuse Many people had to convince themselves “It wasn’t that bad” or “Things could be worse” in order to make the best of a rough childhood. Or perhaps they were told “Don’t rock that boat, you’re lucky to be in it.” I work with a lot of folks with absolutely horrific childhood histories, and about 100% of them question whether or not they even experienced trauma,...

28 days ago • 1 min read

Cover of Mira Kirshenbaum's book Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay

This Might Make Some People Uncomfortable 😬

Notes From a Relationship Coach(Big ideas in a small email) “If you’ve waited a year for your partner to change, you’re almost magically drawn into waiting another year.” –Mira Kirshenbaum, Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay Can confirm. ☝🏼 But there’s nothing magical about it, actually. Our primary attachment figure is, obviously, someone we have grown attached to (like it or not). That person is copilot aboard the “Getting My Needs Met” airplane you are flying at 40,000 feet. And even if...

about 1 month ago • 1 min read

It's Only Trauma If We Can't Talk About It 🤐

Notes From a Relationship Coach(Big ideas in a small email) “It’s only trauma if we can’t talk about it.” –Kindee Dixon, Psychology Today I’ve worked with a boatload of therapists and Kindee is for sure one of the best. She drops gems like this all day long. But I’d like to unpack this one in particular. If something terrible happens to you but you are immediately surrounded by help, love, support, guidance, and people who care – that’s not necessarily a traumatic experience. You mighta just...

about 1 month ago • 1 min read

Cover of Brené Brown's book Braving the Wilderness

Would This Relationship Survive the Real You? 🏜

Notes From a Relationship Coach(Big ideas in a small email) “We want to be a part of something, but we need it to be real – not conditional or fake or constantly up for negotiation.” –Brené Brown, Braving The Wilderness The city of Dubai (population 4.5 million) was manufactured in a hot ass, barren desert with very few natural resources. They have to import all of their… ummm… everything to sustain life at that scale. The world’s tallest building resides there, not far from indoor...

about 2 months ago • 1 min read

Cover of David Schnarch's book Intimacy & Desire

Who Has to Change for You to Be OK? 👀

Notes From a Relationship Coach(Big ideas in a small email) “If you can’t regulate your own emotional temperature, you’ll regulate everyone around you to keep yourself comfortable.” –David Schnarch, Intimacy & Desire Claaassic codependency. 👌🏼 But let me be quick to say codependency is not a moral failure, “bad habit,” or character defect. It’s how we learn to survive not feeling safe, seen, soothed, or secure; when our needs are not being met; in the face of developmental trauma or...

about 2 months ago • 1 min read

Cover of James Clear's book Atomic Habits

On A Personal Note... 🙏🏼

Notes From a Relationship Coach(Big ideas in a small email) “Habits are the compound interest of self-improvement.” –James Clear, Atomic Habits This is my 100th N.F.A.R.C. y’all. Not gonna lie, it feels kinda special. I started working at 10 years old. Had two jobs by 9th grade. Bought a car at 15. Paid for 11 years of college, and when I still couldn’t make a living wage after 12 years teaching high school math and physics, I moved to a foreign country, learned a second language, built...

2 months ago • 1 min read

Cover of Maya Angelou's book I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings

Maybe It's Just Not a Good Match 😬

Notes From a Relationship Coach(Big ideas in a small email) “Love liberates. It doesn’t bind.” –Maya Angelou, I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings Love requires enough safety and freedom for two entire humans to live, grow, explore, frolic, fall down, get up, and still feel lovable. There must be space for two completely different sets of perspectives, feelings, struggles, experiences, and preferences. A relationship is not a one-seater that you need to cram yourselves into via sacrifice,...

2 months ago • 1 min read