Notes From a Relationship Coach
​(Big ideas in a small email)

“If you can’t regulate your own emotional temperature, you’ll regulate everyone around you to keep yourself comfortable.”

–David Schnarch, Intimacy & Desire​

Claaassic codependency. 👌🏼

But let me be quick to say codependency is not a moral failure, “bad habit,” or character defect. It’s how we learn to survive not feeling safe, seen, soothed, or secure; when our needs are not being met; in the face of developmental trauma or relational ambivalence.

So I’m not here to victim-shame anyone. But…

Some people are ok no matter what, others are not ok no matter what, and there’s a whole spectrum in between. And I think it’s important for you to know where you currently fall on that scale. No shame. Just self-awareness.

How many specific things do you need specific people to do for you to feel ok? (good to know the difference between needs and demands). The greater that number, the more stress, unhappiness, resentment, and exhaustion you are likely to feel (which can render you quite unpalatable, tbh).

I’m certainly not suggesting you should not need anything from anyone. Controlling over-dependency and compulsive self-reliance are two sides of the same wound. But there are such things as appropriate self-interest and healthy interdependence.

The goal is not “stop being codependent.” The goal is to understand the injury or developmental arrest that codependency became the better-than-nothing solution for. And once you heal THAT thing, the emotional terrorism of codependency loses its grip.

Does this sound like work you need to do?
Wanna do it with the best in the biz?
Reply FREE CONSULTATION, and we’ll get you on the books.

I love this stuff,

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