Notes From a Relationship Coach
(Big ideas in a small email)

“We want to be a part of something, but we need it to be real – not conditional or fake or constantly up for negotiation.”

–Brené Brown, Braving The Wilderness

The city of Dubai (population 4.5 million) was manufactured in a hot ass, barren desert with very few natural resources. They have to import all of their… ummm… everything to sustain life at that scale. The world’s tallest building resides there, not far from indoor refrigerated ski slopes with fake snow and real penguins.

It’s a modern marvel – beautiful, awe-inspiring, and truly impressive on so many levels.

AND… its continued existence depends on staggering amounts of energy and resources being pumped into the system around the clock. Stop that machinery and the desert will reappear. Swiftly.

Some relationships are Dubai.

Real. Habitable. Instagram-worthy. Downright wonderful at times. And yet, they require a breathtaking amount of artificial maintenance to keep them from crumbling and blowing away in the wind.

Dubai exists because it’s a nifty idea – not because it could ever occur naturally or sustainably.

…

Do you have any relationships that thrive only on the machinery of self-abandonment, codependency, over-functioning, people-pleasing, quiet suffering, dissociation, and the like? Relationships that require unholy amounts of your energy and resources?

These connections may be nifty ideas, but they are literally unsustainable. A relationship that requires more than you can give WILL deplete you eventually. Zero out of five stars. Do not recommend.

If you wanna do some work on this, start here:

•Three Types of Boundaries
•Needs, Boundaries, Requests, and Demands
•Waiting for Someone to Give You Something They Don’t Have
•Requirements for Secure Attachment

No longer irrigating the desert,