Notes From a Relationship Coach
​(Big ideas in a small email)

“It is my belief that all such analyses [judgments] of other human beings are tragic expressions of our own values and needs.”

–Marshall Rosenberg, Nonviolent Communication​

You don’t reaaally have to grow or learn a damn thing when you’re single. There’s no friction; no occasion to meet yourself in the mirror of another; no immediate comparison or frame of reference. Single, you’re exactly how you are, and that’s fine.

Yay.

In relationship, however, the other will pretty much always be MORE or LESS of something than you. More tidy, less communicative, more outgoing, less spontaneous, more frugal, less worrisome, more sexual, less active, more ambitious…

And when someone is more or less of a thing than us, we can:

1. Make up a story (or moral judgment) about it – that person is reckless, needy, cold, thoughtless, rude, selfish, controlling, or what have you. Then treat them like our unflattering assessment of them is a problem that needs fixing. Or…
2. We can accept that they have different wants, needs, experiences, beliefs, boundaries, skills, aptitudes, etc., and they are not good, bad, right, or wrong. They are just different. And that is totally fine and to be expected (duh).

When we judge or become resentful, vindictive, passive aggressive, gossipy, controlling, shaming, violent, etc., we are doing a really poor job of communicating our values and needs. Not only are we doing a bang up job at sharing what we clearly WISH we could convey, we are actually punishing other people for it.

This is what makes it “tragic.”

Another one of my favorite Rosenburners goes: “All violence is the result of people tricking themselves into believing that their pain derives from other people and that consequently those people deserve to be punished.” Woooooooof.

Judging and blaming others is the path of least resistance because it requires zero personal accountability. It’s like unilaterally assigning your emotional debts and difficulties to someone else. How convenient.

But what if we could shift from judgment and blame to compassion, curiosity, and understanding in search of a win/win solution that honors everyone’s feelings and needs? How would that change your relationships?

You. Me. Healthy communication…

Think about it.

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