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Adam Murauskas

Why Trying To Be What They Want ALWAYS Backfires 🥸

Published 2 days ago • 1 min read

Notes From a Relationship Coach
​(Big ideas in a small email)

“With a false self, intimacy is impossible.”

–John Bradshaw, Healing the Shame That Binds You​

There is a certain, finite amount of what I have and what I am able to give to a relationship. I cannot give something I do not have, nor can I give MORE than what I have to give – more time, energy, money, attention, effort, whatever.

We have actual limits.

And it may be that someone is looking for something DIFFERENT or MORE than who I am and what I’m able to give. If that be the case, I can:

  1. Self-abandon and self-sacrifice in order to be the thing they wish I was until I eventually hate both of us.
  2. I can state my wants, needs, and limits and say “If this isn’t what you’re lookin for, I ain’t the one.”

Trying to be what someone else wants at your own expense is the perfect recipe for a resentful, dishonest relationship with an expiration date. And I suspect it’s often rooted in believing:

I’m unlovable and unless I wanna die alone, I better start acting like somebody’s dream come true.

Now, I’m not saying the key to lasting love is to be stubborn, self-centered, and inconsiderate of your partner’s needs. But addressing the opposite side of the same wound – you won’t find true love through inauthentic, curated, performance either.

I like to define intimacy as sharing your whole reality with another person and receiving theirs in return without adding or subtracting.

And obviously, that cannot be done with a false self.

P.S. More on the topic if you’re interested: Being Inauthentic Prevents Connection.

*This email contains Amazon affiliate links to the books mentioned.

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Adam Murauskas

Relationship Coach at FixYourPicker.com

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