Notes From a Relationship Coach
(Big ideas in a small email)

“The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body, and although we can repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated, our perceptions confused, and our body tricked with medication. But some day the body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth.”

–Alice Miller, The Body Never Lies

Recently caught wind of some good old fashioned “That was the past and you can’t change it. What are you gonna do now?” For only a fleeting moment did I run the risk of head-butting someone in the mouth.

After a deeeep breath I said, “What happens to us as children wires our nervous system, attachment style, beliefs, habits, coping mechanisms, and informs virtually every aspect of our being. That ‘past’ is very much still alive and present in your body as we speak. And it CAN be changed… but not if you deny its existence.”

Bypassing and bootstrapping are the opiates of the masses (in addition to actual opiates, unfortunately). If that’s workin for ya, I don’t wanna make you wrong about it. But when someone says “Your past is in the past,” the implication seems to be:

“Therefore, you must be choosing anxiety, depression, addiction, shame, codependency, low self-esteem… you’re making yourself feel terror in your body when you need to set a boundary… you’re deciding to distrust people and feel safer alone… and you should cut that out, you silly goose.”

And I don’t find that very helpful.

You’re allowed to believe that if you want. But you can go believe that sh!t somewhere else. Because I’m not interested in being that unseen, invalidated, and misunderstood.

Thank you very much.