Notes From a Relationship Coach
​(Big ideas in a small email)

“Without our caretakers’ protection, our only protection is to stay small and build defensive structures into our personality.”

–Jasmin Lee Cori, The Emotionally Absent Mother​

If you didn’t feel safe, seen, soothed, and secure as a kid, there’s a strong chance you needed to adapt – perhaps some version of “staying small,” flying below the radar, not wanting or needing anything, etc. There are innumerable defensive structures we may come to regard as “normal” when we build a whole life around them.

For example, I started working at ten years old, had two whole W-4 jobs by ninth grade, and cannot recall a single time thinking, “I really need this person to come through for me.” I love people and have been blessed with great friendships, but I’ve always assumed everything and everyone is go-away-able, so I need to do everything myself and expect NOTHING from anyone.

Self-employed, self-insured, self-taught, built my own website, cook my own meals… asking for help is wildly uncomfortable (usually plan Z).

So needing to trust, rely, and depend on others to get me through my hernia surgery last Friday was tough on the old defensive structures, haha. But I woke up early that morning and spent time with those scared parts of myself – kinda like rocking a baby – assuring my nervous system that we were in good hands.

And maybe this sounds crazy, but I had a wonderful day. Didn’t just “survive it.” No, the whole day was full of support, love, care, smiles, laughter, joy, and kindness. I felt SO held.

The OR nurse asked what music I wanted to listen to during my surgery and queued up a Malte Marten handpan playlist for me (I opted for nerve block instead of general anesthesia, so I was awake). The Panamanian hospital food was super delicious. Even with only ibuprofen and tylenol, I’ve had zero pain.

Well on my road to recovery, I feel fantastic, and I’m super grateful to all of you who sent your thoughts, prayers, and well-wishes my way. Might seem trivial to some, but the impact of sensing there are people who actually care about me is tremendous.

Thank you sincerely,

P.S. This begs the question, of course, What are YOUR defensive structures? And how can you give your nervous system a new experience that is rooted in love instead of fear? 🥰

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