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Adam Murauskas

The Question That Changes Every Relationship Conflict 🪄

Published 9 days ago • 1 min read

Notes From a Relationship Coach
​(Big ideas in a small email)

Your partner is simply the “excuse or occasion for meeting the self.”

–David Foster Wallace, Infinite Jest​

In this novel, DFW is actually talking about a tennis opponent. But the line was practically begging to be co-opted for my newsletter.

It’s relatively easy to “manage” relationships with strangers, friends, family, coworkers, and people you see in particular contexts (long-distance relationships can fit into that category). You can perform, curate, hide, cope, tolerate, navigate, etc.

But all those emergency exits close within the intimacy of a primary attachment relationship. And that person will either see you very deeply or see you trying real hard to not be seen.

Whatever the case, we tend to partner with people who have familiar nervous systems and emotional landscapes – people uniquely qualified to press our buttons and reflect our unfinished business. With every conflict, you can ask:

Why are you doing this to me?

OR

What is this revealing in me?

Not to imply others are beyond scrutiny – sure, hold people accountable for their behavior. AND… please investigate your internal reactions. Without the former, you’ll tolerate poor treatment; without the latter, you’ll repeat the same relationshit cycle forever.

Relationships are mirrors. If you’re upset by a dirty face in the mirror, you can blame the mirror, break the mirror, scrub the mirror, run from the mirror, or… idk, wash your face?

If we want others to take accountability for their actions, we gotta do the same.

There’s very little growth or intimacy at the blame factory.

*This email contains Amazon affiliate links to the books mentioned.

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Adam Murauskas

Relationship Coach at FixYourPicker.com

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