Notes From a Relationship Coach
​(Big ideas in a small email)

“There’s no responsibility without awareness.”

–Frank G. Anderson, Transcending Trauma​

My mechanic told me he had a no-call no-show today and I said, “It’s easy to take that personally, like someone’s being rude or disrespectful to you… but usually they’re just sleepwalking, completely unawares.”

Diagnosing my squeaky tensioner pulley, his phone rings and it’s that client apologizing for having just woken up.

As I had prophesied, she was literally not conscious.

Not to say people’s behavior doesn’t affect us or that everyone deserves a get-out-of-jail-free card for being dissociated… but I think we too often assume folks are operating from presence, awareness, choice, or intentionality when, in fact, they are not.

I believe such a distorted view of reality is a primary source of manufactured misery, resentment, and avoidable suffering.

Reminds me of that time Pema Chödrön got all annoyed at a meditation retreat by this guy who was making a clicking sound. After working up the courage to confront him, she discovered the noise was coming from a nearby radiator. No one was doing anything to her. She was mad at bro for nothin.

How many people in your life are just clickin-ass radiators?

How often do you ask, “Why can’t he ever take accountability?” or “Would it kill her to apologize just once?”

And how is your relationship with reality? If a buddhist nun who wrote 25 books on mindfulness was about to throat-punch a guy for radiator noise, I suspect we all have room to grow in that department.

Awareness first,

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