Notes From a Relationship Coach
(Big ideas in a small email)

“NVC self-forgiveness: connecting with the need we were trying to meet when we took the action that we now regret.”

–Marshall Rosenberg, Nonviolent Communication

Few people continue a “bad habit” because they don’t clearly see it’s problematic. More often, they’re not aware of WHY they do it or how to address the underlying issue.

Are you fully conscious of a detrimental behavior – whether in relationships or with money, food, work, health, alcohol, procrastination, whatevs – but you STILL do it anyway? Then what do you tell yourself?

I gotta cut that out. What’s wrong with me? I should know better. Stop being an idiot.

Who cares? Fuggit. I deserve a break. Nobody’s perfect. This is just who I am.

The problem with any moralistic judgment, blame, shame, fear, projection, coercion, belief, or story we come up with is that NONE of those things contain helpful, true, relevant (or kind) information we can use to improve the situation. It’s all just emotional flailing.

A Course In Miracles says, “To see the mistake clearly is to correct the mistake.”

I believe this includes seeing that it perhaps was no “mistake” at all – simply the tragic expression of an unmet need (as Rosenberg would say). When you finally SEE the missing need, your regrettable action makes perfect sense!

And not only are self-compassion and self-forgiveness the natural consequences of such clarity, but then you can do something different to satisfy the need which was driving your undesirable feelings and behaviors in the first place.

This is the anatomy of true change, y’all.

If your self-improvement toolkit is full of pathologizing, antagonistic, shaming, coercive, white-knuckle, fear-based shoulding on yourself, I come bearing good news…

There is another way.

•2 Questions That Can Change Your Life
•How To Know If Someone Can Change
•Doing The Healing Work

I’m rootin for ya’s,