Notes From a Relationship Coach
​(Big ideas in a small email)

“Stand together, and yet not too near together. For even the pillars of the temple must stand apart; and the oak tree and the cypress will not grow in each other’s shadow.”

–Khalil Gibran, The Prophet

One of my oldest wounds feels like being unwanted, unimportant, disliked, a burden, disappointment, not good enough, in the way, taking up too much space, etc. So when someone takes a liking to me, it feels like an actual miracle to the part of me that was planning to die alone.

And that guy loves like he owes you his life.

During the exciting whirlwind of chemical romance – dating, courting, fantasy, fairytale, falling in love, and all manner of honeymoon activity – spreading my soul over someone like cream cheese on a warm bagel is rather enjoyable for everyone involved. Not gonna lie.

But enmeshment is decidedly not a strategy for healthy longterm relationships.

…

I’m thinking of the difference between compassion (being with someone who’s hurting) and empathy (being in someone’s hurt with them).

Compassion cannot drain you, exhaust you, or hurt you. It’s infinite, it comes from the healthiest part of you, and it’s made out of love.

Empathy, on the other hand, is basically your wounded parts saying, “me too.” Empathic distress, overwhelm, and burnout are real risks. Too much empathy can destroy you.

Likewise, we can do relationships from our healthy, whole, authentic Self or from our wounded ass parts. And you ain’t gotta be no crystal ball reader to know which one of those works better.

…

So riddle me this… who’s the captain of your love boat?

Fear, shame, low self-esteem? Entitlement, control, codependency?

I always ask new clients, “What’s your worst fear in relationships?” They say something gnarly. Then I ask when they felt that way as a kid. Nine outta ten responses are some version of “My entire childhood.”

Maybe you don’t have a “broken picker”… maybe you’re just letting an old wound do the picking.

•Home To Our Wounded Parts
​•Fix Your Picker Workbook
​•Childhood Inventory
​•Soul Surgery

Happy Halloween! 🎃 🐈‍⬛ 👻

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