Notes From a Relationship Coach
​(Big ideas in a small email)

“If we believe our survival hinges on our relationships, it will be exceedingly hard to set boundaries in those relationships.”

–Nedra Tawwab, Set Boundaries, Find Peace

Anxious attachment patterns stem from experiences of physical and/or emotional abandonment during our formative years when our survival literally DID hinge on our relationships (with caregivers). This is why anxious attachment is characterized by poor boundaries – when our lifeline to existence is in jeopardy, the last thing a child will do is “set a boundary.”

We do whatever it takes to preserve connection (which unfortunately translates into our adult relationships). This is why childhood-abandonment leads to self-abandonment 100% of the time.

Here are a few common abandoning experiences:

• Divorce or separation of caregivers
• Physically or emotionally unavailable caregiver
• Unreliable, untrustworthy, inconsistent caregiving
• Caregiver who frequently traveled or worked night shift
• Hospital stays or medical diagnoses of you or caregiver
• Frequent moving – changing homes, schools, and friends
• Depression, anxiety, bereavement, or mental illness of caregiver
• Having no one to go to, talk to, or confide in when you were upset
• Unexpressive, withdrawn, aloof, avoidant, or numb caregiver
• Needing to perform, perfect, or over-function to be loved
• Other family member(s) got way more attention than you
• Ongoing, unaddressed abuse or bullying of any kind
• Addiction, alcoholism, workaholism in caregiver
• Infidelity, betrayal, or fighting of caregivers
• Not being protected by caregiver

In general, the more of these you’ve experienced, the more difficulty you are likely to have setting boundaries in relationships.

You can read all the books on attachment theory and human development, take all the codependency courses and boundary bootcamps you want… but I suspect the visceral terror of healthy self-interest will not subside until you’ve truly grieved, processed, and healed the emotional losses of your childhood.

If you’d like to explore this further:

•When Attachment Matters More Than Authenticity
​•Changing Course: Healing from Loss, Abandonment, and Fear
​•Childhood Inventory
​•Work With Me

Go on getcha sum,

*This email contains Amazon affiliate links to the books mentioned.

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