Notes From a Relationship Coach
(Big ideas in a small email)

“The reversal of roles between child or adolescent and parent, unless very temporary, is almost always not only a sign of pathology in the parent but a cause of it in the child.”

–John Bowlby, Attachment

That’s the most quoted line on “parentification” from the father of attachment theory himself. Put simply, this role-reversal occurs when a child senses that her caretakers are unable to fulfill a duty (physically, mentally, emotionally) and therefore, she must do it herself.

Folks talk about codependency like some kinda gross, clingy, weak, bad habit that YOU NEED TO STOP DOING. Set stronger boundaries. Don’t be a pushover. Quit people-pleasing and over-functioning.

What if I told you codependency was a childhood superpower? A set of strategies to caretake other people’s emotions at your own expense when not doing so would be far more detrimental.

This is a form of parentification common in children of emotionally immature parents. Why else would a child develop a whole skillset around managing OTHER people’s feelings unless it was necessary?

That’s why codependency is such a deeply-rooted, compulsive set of behaviors that can feel extremely difficult to change. It’s tied to developmental trauma, your sense of worth, safety, connection, and literal survival.

So attempting to “stop being codependent” without grieving the emotional losses of your childhood, unloading toxic shame, questioning your internalized beliefs, or reparenting yourself is like trying to heal childhood trauma with “Cut that out, you silly goose.”

Sure, symptom management can be helpful. But don’t confuse that with actual healing.

They are not the same.

•Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents

•The Emotionally Absent Mother: How to Recognize and Heal the Invisible Effects of Childhood Emotional Neglect

•Changing Course: Healing from Loss, Abandonment, and Fear

Hope that clears things up,