Notes From a Relationship Coach
​(Big ideas in a small email)

“Every human has a true authentic self – trauma is the disconnection from it and healing is the reconnection to it.”

–Gabor Maté

Damn, that sums it up perfectly. 👌🏼

Internal Family SystemsTherapy (IFS) uses capital-s “Self” to refer to this true authentic core of inherent goodness in us all. It cannot be damaged, only obscured or disconnected. But it’s always there, characterized by the 8 C’s and the 5 P’s:

•Curiosity •Calm •Confidence •Compassion
•Creativity •Clarity •Courage •Connectedness
•Playfulness •Patience •Presence •Perspective •Persistence

When we don’t have access to these qualities, it means we’re being run by other internal parts (protectors, habits, triggers, coping mechanisms, whatever you wanna call em). And a person dominated by parentified inner children, frozen in a painful emotional past, will have a helluva time stopping behaviors that almost work but invariably produce the opposite of the intended result.

Perfectionists never feel good enough.
Controllers never feel secure enough.
Anxious attachers never feel loved enough.
Avoidants never feel safe enough.

The good news is, you don’t have to “work on” (fix, control, discipline, teach, diagnose, medicate, manage, outsmart, amputate) any of these parts. You just have to come home to your true Self. This is the pinnacle of all personal growth, therapy, healing, self-help, spiritual enlightenment, etc.

“As soon as you trust your[S]elf, you will know how to live.” -Goethe, 200 years ago 😳

Ask your therapist about IFS, read No Bad Parts, and/or check these out:

•Dear Exhausted Survivor, (my favorite article?)
​•Attachment, Authenticity, Trauma, Addiction, Recovery
​•De-Selfed: Why Don’t I Know Who I Am?
​•Stop Calling Your Trauma Response "Me"​

Thanks for being here,

P.S. My first “Notes From a Relationship Coach” newsletter went out on 8/31/24. It’s been a wild year. The last thought that passes through my head before I click send on these is “F**K, THAT’S GOOD!” Every time. I hope y’all know how much heart, soul, blood, sweat, and tears I put into these. My gift to you.

P.P.S. If you wanna stroll down memory lane, bookmark my newsletter archive so you can cozy up by the fire anytime you want. 🥰

*This email contains Amazon affiliate links to the books mentioned.

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