Notes From a Relationship Coach
(Big ideas in a small email)

“When we trade passion for stability, are we not merely swapping one fantasy for another?”

This whole book is poetic paradox.

“Fire needs air…. Love seeks closeness, but desire needs distance…. It is the space between them that allows them to imagine no space at all.”

“Seeking excitement in the same relationship in which we establish permanence is a tall order…. In your attempt to control the risks of passion, you have tamed it out of existence.”

“The price of love should not be personal obliteration.”

How do we balance security and adventure? Commitment and freedom? Partnership and individuality? Well, that’s the million dollar question, innit?

In theory, partners could embrace both sides of the paradox, but that seldom happens. Usually, one person craves certainty more, so the other must “split the ambivalence,” as Esther says, to champion the other side – uncertainty. Problems emerge when:

This duality becomes a battle, recurring argument, or system of winner vs loser
A partner’s commitment to “their side” is intractable, dominating, or more extreme
One simply complies, accommodates, or acquiesces to the other

We MUST be willing to disappoint someone to be true to ourselves and honor the needs of the whole relationship. But if that relationship cannot withstand the disappointment that comes from literally being yourself, it will definitely suck.

It’s worth looking into the trauma, fear, shame, beliefs, expectations, projections, resentments, delusions, or coping mechanisms that fuel that disappointment factory. But you can only “work on it” and “stick it out” for so long before considering the possibility that “single” might be significantly healthier than this.

I don’t have all the answers, y’all. But I’m pretty sure Esther Perel is the GOAT. Check out her insanely good TED Talk and thank me later:

The Secret to Desire in a Long-Term Relationship

Love and Freedom,