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Adam Murauskas

If Intensity Isn't Intimacy, What Is It??? 😲

Published about 1 month ago • 1 min read

Notes From a Relationship Coach
​(Big ideas in a small email)

“Love should increase over time, not start at a high.”

–Lisa Clampitt (quoted in Marry Him by Lori Gottlieb)

Who doesn’t love a good romp in the euphoric bliss of new romance? I certainly don’t think it’s “bad” to cherish the magical moments of exchanging what you love most about yourselves in the early days of a relationship.

But I’m thinking it’s only possible to manufacture the exaggerated swooning of fairytale love when we don’t yet know (or have chosen to ignore) the majority of what we must eventually learn about the other person.

When someone is 90% unknown and 10% adorable, it’s relatively easy to fit them into a soulmate-shaped hole in your life. And depending on past attachment trauma, this could feel like heaven, hell, or anything in between.

The thought occurred to me just today that obsession is an open wound.

When you literally cannot stop thinking about (or pursuing) something or someone. Urgent, intrusive, persistent, all-consuming… that’s how most people feel about a compound fracture.

Not trying to pathologize passion or excitement, obviously. But when I think about love that starts at an all-time high, I think of enmeshed roller coaster relationships that feel just like drug addiction. And that’s not a “dating problem” – that’s an unhealed attachment injury. Definitely something to look into.

Haven’t linked any articles in a while. Here’s a few oldie-but-goodies that go deeper:

•Home To Our Wounded Parts
​•The Inherent Pitfalls of Dating
​•The #1 Sign of Unresolved Trauma​

Enjoy!

*This email contains Amazon affiliate links to the books mentioned.

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Adam Murauskas

Relationship Coach at FixYourPicker.com

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