Notes From a Relationship Coach
​(Big ideas in a small email)

“Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field. I will meet you there.”

–Rumi, The Essential Rumi​

You ever have a partner say or do something offensive they were apparently oblivious to? Have you ever accidentally hurt someone’s feelings or put your foot in your mouth? Happens to the best of us.

But what usually ensues?

For some reason, most relational missteps, conflicts, and disagreements result in a rousing game of WHO’S WRONG? Even simple differences in perspective or opinion seem to compel folks into a most unproductive round of victim/perpetrator musical chairs.

Why do we do this?

Well… could be guilt, shame, insecurity, ego, pride, cognitive dissonance, fear, ignorance, immaturity, or any number of things. But the more important question is what to do instead of alienating each other defensively and widening the relational disconnect? Consider the following propositions…

FOR THE OFFENDED

•They probably didn’t intend to hurt you
•If they did, there’s a wound, fear, or blindspot there, for sure
•Their action may not be the same as your interpretation of it
•You can express your hurt without making them wrong

FOR THE DEFENDED

•Other people’s (subjective) experience of relating to you matters
•You cannot control what they think or feel about you
•Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain (JADE) makes things worse
•Connection requires seeing, hearing, respecting, and understanding

For example:

“I can’t believe you said that in front of my family. I felt super embarrassed – they never discuss things like that openly. Can we talk about things before sharing with them going forward?”

(Express feelings. Make a request. Don’t blame, shame, call it bad/wrong or say “you hurt me.”)

“Oh dang. I didn’t mean to embarrass you, but it makes sense why you felt that way. Yeah, I’m open to prepping before our time with your parents.”

(Acknowledge what happened. Validate feelings. Don’t JADE. Respond to request. Repair and reconnect.)

…

In real life, it’s messier and more complicated, haha. But I stand by those principles. The four horsemen of the relational apocalypse are Criticism, Defensiveness, Contempt, and Stonewalling. Eliminate those if you don’t wanna die alone.

K bye.

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