Notes From a Relationship Coach
​(Big ideas in a small email)

“Trauma is not yours.”

–Frank Anderson, To Be Loved​

I was on a call with Frankie Baby the other day (who casually mentioned having Bessel van der Kolk and Esther Perel over for dinner recently, lol) when he dropped the above line. I’ve been saying “You are not your trauma response” and talking about “carried shame” for years, but this simple reframe takes it to the next level.

Trauma did not come from you, is not your fault, is certainly not who you are… but it doesn’t even belong to you???

Dang.

As someone who’s felt deeply influenced by trauma my entire life, these four words made me pause and imagine NOT carrying heavy, existential burdens that aren’t even mine. I’ve probably said the phrase “MY trauma” 825,641 times…

MY abuse.
​MY abandonment.
​MY shame.

Yuck. I don’t wanna be the owner of that stuff anymore. Not to imply that possessive pronouns are the key to healing profound attachment injuries and complex trauma… but how we talk about this stuff matters.

• What trust, abandonment, attachment (etc.) issues have you been carrying and including as central features of your identity?
• How is that affecting your life and relationships?
• Who would you be without them?

All MY love (something worth owning),

P.S. For some vintage 2020 Adam, check out Stop Calling Your Trauma Response “Me.”​

*This email contains Amazon affiliate links to the books mentioned.

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