Notes From a Relationship Coach
​(Big ideas in a small email)

“Observing without evaluating is the highest form of human intelligence.”

–J. Krishnamurti

NVC fanboy here, ever-stoked to drop Rosenberg wisdom. If I could only recommend ONE book for the rest of my life, it would be Nonviolent Communication. Matter fact, I’m gonna share a whole excerpt now:

Our attention is focused on classifying, analyzing, and determining levels of wrongness rather than on what we and others need and are not getting. Thus if my partner wants more affection than I’m giving her, she is “needy and dependent.” But if I want more affection than she is giving me, then she is “aloof and insensitive.”

If my colleague is more concerned about details than I am, he is “picky and compulsive.” On the other hand, if I am more concerned about details, he is “sloppy and disorganized.”

It is my belief that all such analyses of other human beings are tragic expressions of our own values and needs. They are tragic because when we express our values and needs in this form, we increase defensiveness and resistance among the very people whose behaviors are of concern to us.

Most people are conditioned to think and communicate this way – with evaluations, interpretations, and moralistic judgments – and it makes healthy relating damn near impossible. Instead of having relationships with actual people, you might end up having relationships with only the stories you’ve created in your mind about those people.

Tragic indeed.

When I first heard the term “nonviolent communication,” I assumed it was some buttery soft, politically correct, far-left, “micro-aggression” newspeak designed to cancel all my favorite words. Boy was I wrong.

Bro shoulda titled the book “How to Be a Human: 101,” or “Make Your Life Wonderful Without Being a Schmuck.”

It is not just “communication tips.” NVC is a comprehensive framework that makes sense of damn near everything – feelings, needs, values, boundaries, conflict, criticism, codependency, resentment, shame, depression, etc.

Straight up CHEAT CODES for life.

…

Your mission, should you choose to accept:

1. Practice identifying stories and moralistic judgments your brain makes up about others.
2. Discover your value or need lurking beneath those unhelpful stories.
3. Work on honoring that need in a way that doesn’t require you to make other people WRONG.

Let me know how that goes,

P.S. I’ve got a couple open spots for one-on-one coaching. If you’re interested, simply reply “YES” to this email and we can hop on a free zoom call to see if we’re a good fit.

*This email contains Amazon affiliate links to the books mentioned.

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