Notes From a Relationship Coach
​(Big ideas in a small email)

“It is the small everyday gestures that make or break a relationship.”

–John Gottman, The Relationship Cure​

Perhaps the most well-known relationship researcher, John Gottman has studied human connection scientifically for 50+ years (creating the “Love Lab” in 1986 at the University of Washington). Bro’s research became famous when he could predict divorce with 94% accuracy from the way couples talked about their relationship.

Yikes.

But the most important finding of his career is the fundamental unit of emotional communication:

"THE BID FOR CONNECTION."

These can be verbal, physical, digital, subtle, grand gesture, etc. Whether big, small, playful, or serious, they are all ways of saying “I wanna connect with you. Do you wanna connect with me?”

And the only 3 responses are:

1. Turn toward (engage with the bid)
2. Turn away (ignore or miss the bid)
3. Turn against (reject, shame, argue, attack)

Example – friend, family, partner, coworker: “I got a scholarship for that program I wanted to get into.”

1. OMG, that’s amazing! Congrats. How stoked are you???
2. I never coulda paid for my masters program without scholarships.
3. Man, they’re just handing out money to anyone these days, huh?

Example – friend, family, partner, coworker: *checks phone and audibly sighs.

1. Uh oh… is everything ok?
2. *Say nothing at all
3. Are you gonna start complaining now?

Once you understand the concept, you may notice that people are issuing bids for connection all day long – thousands. Eye contact, social media post, high five, joke… even complaining, criticizing, controlling, sarcasm – damn near anything could be a bid for connection (healthy or not).

Obviously, you are not REQUIRED to accept anyone’s bid for connection. But Gottman observed that happy/successful couples (in the Love Lab) turned toward their partner 86% of the time while unhappy/failing couples turned toward each other at a 33% clip.

Also, the more someone turns toward your bids, the safer you feel, and the more you do it. It’s a positive feedback loop that makes a relationship more and more wonderful. And the inverse is pretty clear – the more someone ignores or rejects your bids, the less you attempt. Then that relationship withers away.

Not rocket surgery.

Start paying closer attention to the way YOU give and receive bids for connection, as well as how the people in your life operate.

I hope it blows your mind.

P.S. Is your relationship wilting? Feeling disconnected? Not sure what to do about it? Reply "FREE CONSULT" and we'll see about gettin you sorted out.

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