Notes From a Relationship Coach
(Big ideas in a small email)

“For a long time, I thought that keeping who I am to myself was the same thing as being myself quietly. I discovered it is not.”

–Mark Nepo, The Book of Awakening

I remember walking on my hands through the mall when I was a kid and my brother saying, “Why you gotta be so weird all the time, dude? Just act normal.”

I’ve always been pretty good at letting my freak flag flap in the breeze. Even at 41, I still skip in public, make myself laugh out loud, and dance in the kitchen. My natural state of being is “kid in a candy store” vibes – joy, wonder, and excitement.

But somethin funny happens to me in relationships, y’all. When my zeal for life somehow upsets my partner – she doesn’t like my music, food, clothes, language, hobbies, friends, or whatever – I shrink. I dim my light and turn down my volume.

I attempt to “be myself quietly,” in order to keep the peace. Well, I’m here to report:

This is an actual death sentence
It doesn’t work

You see, I’ve adjusted who I am to match my relationships instead of creating a relationship that matches who I am. That’s the problem (found it!).

I think this is easy to do for anyone who has a history of trauma, abuse, abandonment, addiction, shame, codependency, depression, low self-esteem, or self-doubt. But once you heal all that crap and return to wholeness and presence… once you deeply know, trust, and love yourself… it becomes nearly impossible to live this way anymore.

Further along in Mark Nepo’s daily reader (on my birthdate, coincidentally), he writes:

“In truth, there are always two blood reasons to be who we are. It is how we find love, and it is how we keep the ways of others from sweeping us away.”

In January, my friend Christina told me something simple and sincere that absolutely changed my life. I want nothing more than to say those words to you now…

Always be you. I mean it.