Notes From a Relationship Coach
​(Big ideas in a small email)

“Safety is not just the absence of threat but the presence of connection.”

–Stephen Porges, The Polyvagal Theory​

Have you ever felt like “I don't wanna lie but I don’t feel safe telling you the truth”? Or “I’d like to have sex but I can’t when I don’t feel connected to you”?

Safe, seen, soothed, and secure – these core attachment needs form the foundation of sustainable human connection. But if secure attachment is prerequisite to authentic intimacy, how are folks with an insecure attachment style (an estimated 50% of people) supposed to have healthy relationships???

I’ve been revisiting basic attachment behaviors outlined in John Bowlby’s attachment theory:

• We monitor and maintain physical and emotional closeness with our beloved
• We reach out for this person when we are unsure, upset, or feeling down
• We miss this person when we are apart
• We count on this person to be there for us when we go out into the world and explore

For each one, I can locate the instinct within myself… AND a voice that says, “Yeah, but we probably shouldn’t do that because xyz” (the armor-plated coping mechanisms that make attachment difficult).

I suspect there are two reasons for that voice to exist:

1) Old attachment injuries / trauma
2) This person is actually not good for you

These comprise the internal and external work of “fixing one’s picker.” Both must be addressed.

…

I completely forgot that I created this Requirements for Attachment checklist last year. Just took it for a spin and hooo-weee is that thing fire! (I love it when I impress myself, haha).

Download it for free before I start charging a million dollars for it. I swear it’s that good.

From Panama with love,

*This email contains Amazon affiliate links to the books mentioned.

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