Notes From a Relationship Coach
​(Big ideas in a small email)

“Fitting in is about assessing a situation and becoming who you need to be in order to be accepted. Belonging, on the other hand, doesn't require us to change who we are; it requires us to be who we are.”

–Brené Brown, Daring Greatly​

A client recently asked me maybe the best question ever???

What’s the difference between working on a relationship and trying to make a relationship work?

Shwooooo… 😮‍💨

Let that sizzle in the pan for a minute. Might have to open a window.

I say this all the time: There’s no such thing as “relationship problems” – only personal issues that play out in our relationships. There are two ways to deal with this inconvenient truth:

1. Decide “This relationship HAS TO work,” then figure out tips, tricks, strategies, and coping mechanisms required to bypass your issues and jam yourself into a workable relational performance (like Brené’s “fitting in”)
2. Make being your most whole, healthy, aware, and authentic self top-priority, i.e. deal with your issues, then nurture relationships that align with who you actually are underneath that performance (more like true belonging)

I suspect many people end up in unhappy or dysfunctional relationships because of the very issues they sweep under the rug to feel worthy of love in the first place.

So the best “working on a relationship” you may ever do (in my humble, I do this for a living, opinion) is WORKING ON YOURSELF so you don’t project your personal baggage all over your partner. Because the heaviness of your relationships is directly proportional to the weight of your unexamined shadow-bag.

Ironically, the less “performing” or trying to “earn love” we do and the more wholeheartedly we embrace our true selves, the more attractive we become. Authenticity glows. Self-acceptance radiates. Peaceful presence draws people in.

This is why people come to me for “relationship coaching” and end up doing soul surgery.

I’m not here to help you “make it work” (yuck).

P.S. I’ve been traveling all month (13 flights, a train ride, and lots of ubers). Hence the every-other-week newsletters. I’ll get back on my weekly routine in May. Thanks for hangin in there, y’all. If you get lonesome next Friday, feel free to bookmark my newsletter archive. Whole lotta gems in that bucket.

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